I miss this

I just finished hosting a baby shower. I don't miss that. But I do miss quiet saturday evenings, when the temp is still warm at 8pm and the sun is just beginning its hour long yawn before bedtime around 9pm. I made my second baby sling for a client. This one turned out better than the last. I have posted pics of it on the Projects page. I plan to continue making baby slings for clients as gifts. And I keep getting clients. I hope business is this easy when I am a midwife!

I am in the midst of creating a curriculum for christian childbirth classes. I have learned so much while doing it. I am basing it off of Jennifer Vanderlaan's curriculum.

Buddy and I celebrated our third honeymoon (2nd anniversary) over 4th of July weekend by doing a 5 day backpacking trip in Olympic National Park. It was amazing. Very beautiful! We saw 7 black bears. One of which we had a very close encounter with and quickly realized the difference between mace and bear spray. Don't worry, we didn't end up needing it.

Over this backpacking trip Buddy and I reflected on two major struggles in my life. I am not at peace. I know I will always have things on my To Do list and I can't ever get everything done, I will never be satisfied, and I will alway make myself self insanely busy. Where's the peace in that? If I believe God is in control of everything and His plan is better than mine, then why I am so upset about not completing my To Do list? Or not spending my time the way I want. It's because I don't believe those things. I am constantly trying to make my life better, get things done, and do what I think is best. I don't actually trust in God's plan, I only trust my own. How do I trust God's plan?

The second lesson is that I have still been struggling with a birth I attended last fall. I was the doula for a close friend and she wanted a natural childbirth that turned into a C-section. She was very afraid of that happening and wanted me to help her prevent that. I know she doesn't hold me responsible for what happened, and there's not really anything that I could have done to change the circumstances, but I still felt terrible about it and every time I see her I want to ask her to forgive me. As I was telling Buddy this he helped me realize that I had been feeling like it was up to me to give women the perfect birth. I was making it my responsibility to make sure nothing bad happened to the women I was serving. If I just worked hard enough or knew enough or did the right thing at the right time, maybe I can save all women from having a bad birth. All of this is a lie I honestly believed. No matter what I do, God has a plan for every women's birth. It's not up to me to change that plan. But I can still help them get through it, and to trust God all the while.

This weight will only get heavier as I become a midwife. I can not rely on myself, I must trust God and know that His plan is best. Even if it does not look like a "perfect birth" according to my standards. Each woman has their own experience for a reason.